Ready as ever

2009-07-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

Me cuesta escribir como no he escrito hace mucho tiempo. Pues, me parecia que el silencio era una virtud en la vida mia, en la cual realmente no se encuentra nada fascinante, extraordinario, encantador.

Por que tiene que ser asi? Pues, seria una preguntita molestosa dado que la respuesta no viene de otro lugar sino de mi misma. Aunque bueno, muchas cosas de la vida no he causado yo. Pero siempre como dicen, la responsabilidad de las consecuencias se me cae a mi.

Y por que la banda 'Gypsy Kings' es tan genial? Como pudo lograr crear esa magnitud de la musica? Son de realmente esta tierra? O vienen de otro lugar magico o misterioso? Por que soy tan comun y corriente y no tengo ninguna genialdad como ellos? Nunca sere algo mas que ya lo soy? Pero miro a los que ya han alcanzado algo en un nivel notable y respectable. Hasta he tratao de poner su nombre por google y he encontrado el nombre de ellos en unas paginas en las que decian de su trabajo bien hecho o su carrera tan profesional. Y viendo eso, pensando de lo que tengo para mostrar al mundo, me diprimia enseguida.

Soy demasiado presumida o precipitada? Y no se tranquilizarme y arreglarme las cosas de vida? Para contemplar los significados de los sucesos, los asuntos, la gente de mi vida? Y tambien de mi futuro, mi trabajo, y lo mio en total?

Estuve escribiendo una lista de las cosas que iba a escribir aqui en esta entrada. Pero veo que no hay mucho para vincular todos uno con otro, por lo que es mejor dejar como me salen las palabras. Espero que algo profundo, reflexivo y significativo.

Que viene primero? Sensacion o sentimiento o significado? Pues, conoci a un muchacho que me da bastante sentimiento pero nunca ha llegado a darme mucho significado en mi vida. Pero como el sentimiento es la cosa que llena al corazon y la sensacion es la cosa que llena a la cabeza, sea lo que sea el significado, se suele a quedar dentro de mi, pero durante mucho tiempo al dia, a la semana, al mes. (todavia no ha llegado a ser un año.) Tengo que pensar sobre eso, para que no piense de el mas que lo necesario. (pero cuanto es necesario?)

Por que ha habido muchos que me desilusionaron asi despues de tanta intimidad? Las dos mejores amigas de mi vida ya se olvidaron de mi asi de facil. Y entonces, este titulo 'la mejor amiga', para que sirve? Pues, no les he brindado el titulo sin ninguna razon. Pasabamos muchos ratos juntas y les dejaba saber todo de mi vida. (Un momento, aqui, pues, tengo que confesar que se tiende a ser mas facil para mi hablar de las cosas mias y algo confidenciales a alguien mas. Soy muy abierta en sentido de compartir las cosas de la vida con otros. No se si es siempre bueno eso. ) Pero bueno, ya no me importa. Aun si hubieramos mantenido no tendriasmos mucho de que hablar. Como cada dia vamos diferenciando mas las vidas nuestras. Y tambien, lo que mas cuenta en la amistad es tener espiritus o mentalidades similares, no solo cosas en comunes. Como ellas no eran tan XXXX como yo, (por falta de adjetivos para describir mis caracteres y tambien por no tener idea tan clara como para decir, voy a dejar asi.) al final, no pudimos quedarnos mas. Que lastima pero tambien esta bien asi. Esto iba a pasar tarde o temprano. La culpa es haber tenido la amistad con la persona no adecuada o no correcta para mi.

Por que soy tan negativa? Mira lo que he dicho hasta ahora. Las dudas y preguntas con muchos rencores. Siempre miro a lo malo de la gente primero. No, eso no es verdad. Despues de todo, haber pasado los buenos y malos, me qudan los malos con mas hincapie. con figura mas destacada. Es cierto.

Antes en mi diario, escribia cosas que me faltaba, por ejemplo, "Quiero comprar una ropa que tenga XXX..." o de mi dia cotidiano "Hoy tengo una cita con XXX" o los planes de corto plazo "Como tengo los examenes la proxima semana tengo planeado estudiar...." o lugares que visitar o la gente con la que encontrar..... Y los pedazos de sentimiento generados de una cosa de la vida o otra. Asi que no decia mucho de conjunto de vida asi como ahora.

Que vale mas la pena? Bueno, en este caso, la comparacion no servira. Es solamente un pequeño cambio. No se si es realmente pequeño o no, pero......

Y tambien la frecuencia de escribir sobre la vida ha sido reducido en sobremanera. Ya no me parece importante contar los detalles. Pero eso es lamentable. Por que en conjunto tampoco me es dificil darle alguna importancia.

Los perdidos con el tiempo, las ganas de seguir dejando los recuerdos de la vida es uno de ellos, las quiero hacer revivir.

Podria..............?

Asi es la vida.

2008-12-11T09:48:00.000-08:00

Por cierto, he llegado a la edad en la que me pongo a decir "Asi es la vida" muchas veces.

Ya tengo la idea mas clara de las cosas, la gente y sobre todo, de mi misma. Asi que, tal vez, la palabra mas correcta pueda ser "Asi soy yo." (Bueno, como se dice "take it or leave it" en español?)

Y hoy me dio por pensar mucho. Pero ni puedo escribir todo lo que me ocurre, mejor tener unas palabras sencillas pero sabias por conclusion.

Y tengo las concluiones siguientes......

1. inteligencia

2. decencia

3. paciencia

4. benevolencia

5. independencia

6. responsabilidad

7. coraje

8. profesionalismo

9. pasion

10. ambicion

Bueno, Viva Mercedes!!!!

la comida peruana

2008-12-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

nosotros ese dia del festival de la cultura internacional, habiamos preparado los platos peruanos autenticos, los cuales eran 'el ceviche','arroz con carne','la mazamorra morada'y 'arroz con leche'. Por desgracia, al final y al cabo, pirdimos unestra inversion por unas cuantas razones, tales como, dejarle a gente probar una cantidad demasiada y no haber podido poner los precios convenientes para nosotros, no llegar a gustar a mucha gente las comidas por sus sabores extranjeros, etc......
La verdad es que habiamos puesto nuestra parte y mucho esfuerzo y disfrutabamos el tiempo juntos colaborando, tratando y eso ya es suficiente para mi,al menos. Y espero que sea igual para otros,tambien.
Bueno, les agradezco mucho a los amigos y los conocidos que nos apoyaron y visitaron y compraron. Los profesores de nuestra facultad del idioma, Sr. Park, Domingo, Rosa, Sr. Im y sus compañeros. Mis amigos, Natalie y Dave, las amigas canadenses de Natalie, Nic y sus amigos, Amy - mi querida estudiante, La familia de 'El Faro', etc...(mil perdon a algunos de que se me olvido mencionar aqui.)
Y una cosa que tengo que acalar aqui es que yo tengo verguenza de ser una coreana a veces en mi vida y en ese dia del festival tambien me dio esa sensacion. Algunos coreanos dejaron unos comentarios muy negativos de las comidas que habiamos preparado solamente porque a ellos eran cosas raras y no eran algo que ven en su torno. Y tambien llevaban un tipo de actitud muy arrogante eimaginando que peru seria un pais mas pobre que Corea,asi que se comen los alimentos inferiores y nos daba esa mirada tan rarisima. Y tambien algunos simplemente querian probar y saber a que se sabian las comidas, pero probaron mucho - oye, pero entonces, por que no te compras uno y comes lo que quieras y dejar lo demas para que nosotros pudieramos vender mas? Y usaron nuestros cucharas y papeles que compramos con nuestro propio presupuesto. Ademas los folletos y las papeles que se tratan de peru se desaprecieron todo. Los que quisieron tener algo por gratis cogieron todo y ni compraron los productos que presentabamos. Por lo tanto, yo aqui quisiera comentar de los malos ejemplos de algunos coreanos, pero no para que vosotros tengais una mala imagen de los coreanos en general, sino para que sepais que hay algo que cambiar en nosotros. Aunque me imagino que eso es lo mismo en cual quier otro pais en el mundo.
Bueno, el proximo año tambien tendran el festival pero no se vamos a participar otra vez. Si lo vamos a hacer, Ojala que podamos ganar esta vez!

Por que sera

2008-12-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

Por que soy una persona tan reservada y averigonzada con alguna gente? Por que me cuesta tanto saludar y decir algo y tener una conversacion decente y contestar adecuadamente a cada pregunta me hace?

Que es lo que me necesita hacer para desarrollar mi habilidad social en general, hablar claramente y atender a gente apropiadamente?

Bueno, es bueno pensar en eso, porque, por lo menos, me da mas conocimiento de mi misma y me va a surgir unas ideas de este tema. Siempre es mejor estar consciente, no?

Ya, dame consejos!!!!

the most beautiful girl in the world

2008-12-07T22:38:00.001-08:00

for me, she's the best.

ok, now the most beautiful one in Korea

Hot as hell

2008-07-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

The adjective 'hot' has many different meanings in English. It could be understood in a different way depending on what you're talking about. Is it about the weather? Or some food like kimchi or Dwenjang jjigae? Or a chick?

In my case, it's this bloody cruel weather. When a 'hot'ness is about the weather, it usually isn't that great except when you're all excited to go to the beach and swim. Somehow under this hot-weather situation people tend to be more impatient and cranky. Also, they think it's alright to be impatient or cranky a little bit if it's so hot like now. I think we might as well score how bad the weather of the day is like this : today's level of unpleasantness is 9 out of 10. So please be careful not to pick up any fight with people around you.

I've been that way for a while now. Just about every little stuff could bother me to the hell even to the point that I could just lose my mind and go crazy screaming and crying. I know there's no so much of connection between this hot weather and all the bad things that have happened to my life, but I just get unnecesarily mad even at a small event remebering each time how frustrated I am by so many rejections from all the companies that I applied for, how strongly and stubbournly still controling my mom about my life, how badly broken my heart and dreams are which were about going to another country where would allow me to use my foreign language skill after all of those rejection and economic crisis which came up right at the time of my graduation. Therefore inevitably I've been always annoyed by many things at the same time, or a combination of the whole factors. So these days I've been quite mean and quick to get angry.

After starting to let out this inner anger, I also started to realize how much anger I have had inside. For having a father like that, for having a mother like that, for being stopped from going further by so many people that didn't even have any idea of what's really good for my life and unexpected bad things that I haven't done anything to make them happen. Why did I have to have that miserable and terrible childhood? Why couldn't I have a normal and peaceful family? Also wen I was young why did I use to wet my sheet and blanket every night with my urine without even noticing for almost 5 years and get in trouble being scolded and beaten? Why did I have to have be picked on and bothered by those mean and mindless guys at the college that I used to attend telling me how ugly I am and always mocking me? Why me? Why me? I mean, is it because I don't deserve a good life like anybody else in the world? Of course I know that there would be even worse cases than mine, but I really don't want to go any further about that.

Curiously when I was a little bit younger than now I used to be really good at holding this anger inside and being as cool and calm as possible and I used to understand the situations very well and analyze the things that caused them so that I could stand them and confront them reasonably. I would talk about my family and how they drove me crazy but at the same time I would add that they had their reason which was why I had to understand them after all. I would openly discuss those problems with my good friends who would understand me. However from the certain point, I just got rid of that reasonable side of me and started to go crazy and get angry and each time, the anger has got bigger and bigger. As I let it out as it was, it didn't get its way and disappear the way I expected, but it lost its control and got a sort of momentum and there was nothing I could do about it anymore. As a result, I've been acting a little weird and a total bitch. For some of who misunderstood me it's not a sign of self-importance but of being a complete loser. Anyway so I think there might be few who think I'm mean and crazy from the recent days of my behaviours.

However suddenly I am tired and fatigued of being angry now. Did my anger lose its momentum now? Who knows why. The only thing that I can say is I'm not trying anything. I'm not trying to be more reasonable person than I really am, nor to be more patient, nor to be meaner or angrier. I'm just sick and tired of trying too hard. And now I see that that doesn't help me to solve the problems. I just want to be natural and relaxed.

So here I am again. Sweating like in hell, feeling this suffocating heat that takes all of my energy and desires, tired from being angry which was first time over this unpleasant weather, then next over all of those misfortunes that I have had in my life time. So I'm really done getting angry.

And I'll tell you what. You can talk to me now.

--- Peace

me falta un poco de paciencia aún

2008-07-23T01:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm teaching Korean in Spanish in my Korean class for those Peruvian people.
Also I'm teaching Spanish in English to that 13 year-old girl from Canada.
So my identity is in a confusing stage right now.

Those 30 or more copies of my resume and cover letter that are rejected,
those 3 months of vigorous job searching that has left me nothing but despair and frustration,
th0se 30 years that I have lived that turned out to be a disaster and misfortune,
Those 3 languages that I can speak and never get me anywhere but some private tutoring that pays me only small sum of money.
Those 3 people who disappeared after I asked them a favor.

Que es lo que me falta?
Tal vez, la paciencia.

uno de estos días / one of thses days

2008-06-29T08:47:00.001-07:00

Yo emanciparé uno de estos días.

Hoy me pasó algo horrible.
Mi mama me ha amenazado con el martillo dirigiendo a mi cabeza.
Si no me entro aquí este blog mas que por un mes, ya sabrán que estoy muerto.
Por Dios, yo no merezco esto

One final thought

2008-05-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

What was that? I really can't describe.
How did it happened to me? That such a nice guy came over me and talked to me and even began to go out with me?
I mean, that shouldn't have happened, because...........well, for some reason.
It was just a good luck of one time in my life and I've got enough.
There's no way I can thank him enough, but well, I really don't think I need to.
I hope he forgets me as soon as possible, or I think he did. So I'm relieved.
But I do want to say this,

Congratulations for the wedding and be happy!

¿ Por que no pensaron en esto antes...?

2008-05-14T04:56:00.000-07:00

Todavia hay un monton que podamos hacer con nuestra vida. De acuerdo?

La Vida Real

2008-03-18T08:16:00.000-07:00

A quick review of my recent life

- leading a faceless existence

- to have built up life goals

- to become much more simple in mind, in head

Today I talked to one of the professors in the school faculty. He said the one who guids me and leads me to the right way is only God, so I have to be humble. So I said I agreed. I always thought that life is unkind to me. Well, maybe that's true. But there's nothing I can do to change some stuff that I really don't like. However, there are always things that I can change, and it's time to focus on those things.

Other than that, I'd rather be quiet.

P.S: One news, I got to serve some people from Guatemala as a simultaneous interpreter for the next three days. Since this is my first time to translate Spanish, I'm extremely nervous. They pay me really good as well which I don't think I deserve. But then again, I think, this is only the beginning for me. In the future, there will be much more chances. I think I should give them a good impression on my first job.

** Quien cuando puede no quiere, bien es que cuando quiera no pueda.

** Cuando una puerta se cierra, ciento se abren.

** Quien no arriesga, no gana nada.

** El que persevera alcanza.

Les deseo feliz nuevo año

2008-02-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm in traditional Korean Costume. Koreans wear this on special holidays like new-year's day- in lunar calendar, this year that was from 6th to 8th of february-. But that's just happened good old days, now people usually don't wear them any more. I got a chance to somehow, lucky me!

Since I'm not such a good model, - When my cousine wore that thing, she looked fabulous, but I look like a balloon with my swelling round big complexion and chubby build. However, the clothes are pretty, no?

Happy new year for everybody wherever in the world you are.

¡¡Vaya!! Genial,¡¡justo lo que necesitaba!!

2008-01-03T04:30:00.000-08:00

Hola a todos ;

I got a phone call today from the school, the faculty office. The TA told me that I won the first prize and the full scholarship for the next semester! I already had known that I got straight A+ from all the clases but I thought that still it was too early to be so sure about scholarship. Well, it's good to be confirmed.

Theses days I've got new obsession. I'm studying for GRE. I haven't studied so much thus far, 'cause it's been hectic with Christmas holidays and New Year's holidays, etc. Well, and my laziness, too.

Oh, I need some good, 'native sense' based opnions. Here's the thing. By uncle owns a company. He wants me to come up with a brilliant idea to give his company a real good English name, but with these two letters lead the each vocabulary. 'B' & 'G'. Yes, it's gonna from a acronym for the company name. Why B & G? Because its Korean name is 'Bu-Guil'. 'Bu' means 'to be rich', and 'Guil' means 'to have good luck'. Some of you might know, Korean vocabularies consist of chinese letter, and each of chinese letter has a meaning. So if a word is derived from the chinese letters, it always has combination like that. Like the city that I'm living in now, 'Busan'. 'Bu' means 'to be rich'(again) and 'San' means 'mountain', because this city is rich in mountains, our ancestors named it as such.

It's same with the way the parents name their baby. I, for example, am named 'Hyu-njeong'. 'Hyun' means 'to be brilliant', 'Jeong' means 'justice', thus I am the bright justice. My father probably wanted me to be a lawyer or judge, I don't know. Sorry, pa. I couldn't make it. Wait, where am I going with all this talk about meaning of the Korean vocabularies and names?

Oh, that's right. I narrowed down my liston the naming my uncle's company like this. Well, ok. Not really narrowed down, I couldn't think of more than one. So, I've got one.

'Beneficial & Global'

What do you think? For your record, the company is about manufactering the small peices that go to cars, and other machines. The main material that they deal with is metal stuff. However, my uncles think it's gonna loose its competitiveness within the next few decades along with the chinese industries get their portion on international stage especially when getting advantage from their cheap labors. Therefore, he's trying to extend his buisness range covering the area of power generation. I think it's pretty good idea.

So, we don't have to look at what they are doing as a business to try to find a appropriate name. I called my uncle today and said I would visit him tommorrow to offer this idea. Before that, any idea or objection?

¡¡¡Otra vez, porfa!!!

2007-12-26T03:09:00.000-08:00

These days I'm having serious contemplation on my life, from its origin -well, not necessarily this part- to its end. Because I'm at sort of milestone now. The other day I asked myself, "What is your life?" and that question just never gets out of my head. I need change and independence.

The new year is coming. I'm sure there will be new plan, new people in the next year and also, a new me. I won't look back anymore. It's good to reminisce good things that happend before but I may not be holding them as if they would come back to me some day. What is over is over, I just need more time and tears to accept that fact since I haven't got so much of life experience for this age.

So, I'm here again. At point of finishing the college ad trying to start graduate school in another country. I have found myself good at nothing but study. Therefore, I will keep studying.

As one of the proofs, I've got all straight 'A+' from all of 7 classes that I took last fall semester. Yeah-ih! I don't know yet whether or not I will be elegible for the full scholarship for next semester, but if I find that I'm not, that would be absurd. However, I'm still worried,'cause if I ain't get that money, Idon't have money for the next semester.

Yes, the money. The money has always been the problem in my life and still, I don't plan my life to make a good deal of money, instead, I'm planning to spend more and more. Well, hello, then how am I gonna support all the plans? Yes. That's the right question and honestly I don't have answer for that. But I will try 'anyway'. That's all I can think of right now. I won't cheat, I won't be dependent, but I will try. I might be having so many troubles in the future and for me, it might take much, much more to date a guy and have a decent relationship and form our own family, I know, but it's alright. I can live without a man, or I can wait, except while I'm waiting all the decent guys would be taken.

So money, my all time problem and will be problem for the next several years as I imagine. I must prepare for that. Ok, enough about this,

I have seen some really good movies recently. I wanted to make a little comment about each of them here so that you can get to know better about them and choose to see them or not.

1. Black cat white cat

This is one of the movies of the Serbian director named 'Emir Kusturica'. In my opinion he is one of the best. I've only seen two of his works but I can say that, because those two just made a high ranking on the list of my favorite moives. I will watch more of his movies whenever I find some time available for that.

Anyway, the 'black cat white cat' is a commedy, and it does a good job as a comedy. It's funny all the time. Although it's all about bitter story involved with all kinds of trickery, and almost all the people there are screwed up gasters but it's funny, and that's what matters.

Life is so haphazard you may be rich one day and you may die next day. Well, in the movie, you may revive, too. If you like comedy, and you don't mind what kind, -black comedy, ganster comedy- you would certainly enjoy this film.

2. La Historia Oficial

This is an Argentine movie. It's an old movie, but as always, the movie that are still appreciated by people even though they're made a long time ago, have shown the proof that it's worth our time. This movie is one of them.

It's about the time when Aregentina was under the dictatorship. People were trying to get their political right back but that struggle was oppressed by military. There have been huge loss of lives whose were against the government and tried to bring the democracy into their country. The mothers who lost their children at that time used to gather at the 'Plaza de Mayo' for the manifestation demanding the truth and answer from the government.

In the movie, there is a couple that has a daughter. That girl was adopted to that couple, because the wife is barren. The wife is a history teacher at a boy's high school and the husband works for the govenment.

With time, she starts knowing about the secret lied under the adoption. That has something to do with one of those mothers who come to the 'Plaza de Mayo' for the manifestation and her son who lost his and his wife's lives during the government's pressure. That young couple apparently had a girl before they were killed.

In the wrong society, the right people get in troubles, and not to get in those troubles you should ignore some valuable things for sake of surviving. However, in Argentina, there have been lots of right people who believed in human rights and democracy.

This movie is so sad and the ending is also so sad. I was very touched.

3. De Nadie

This is a documentary film. Nowadays, I prefer good documentary films to typical or heartless blockbusters with stories that don't leave any lesson nor memory. I saw this film in the class named 'the latinamerican study'. The professor is kinda leftist, as far as I view. She would give us all the stories about poor people in that area and discriminations and even about the US interventions in their history.

I think when you study deeply about latinamerica, chances are you would see all the unfair things done by small portion of population and the outside, powerful countries like europe and USA and be a leftist. Or, it's just what I think.

Since this film is a documetary, in the film, you don't see any fiction or actors. Everyone and everything is real. It mainly consists of the interview.

It's about people who try to escape from their homeland in Central America and get in US to make a living and support their family. In their homeland, there's no job or there are job with wages that are too little to survive with.

The film shows the routes that such people take, and the miseries that happened during the trip and etc.

Ususally they use train for that, but they get onto the train ilegally so it's very dangerous. Many people get injured, I saw in the movie that a 16 year old boy lost his one arm completely.

In the road, they from time to time run into the group of gasters who target those people. They rob them, they raped them if they are women, they killed them and whatever they feel like.

The director had an interview with this boy who was with his parents, the boy said he lost his parents because of those gasters. They took all the money from his father and they raped his mother and finally they killed both of them and all happened in front of the boy's bare eyes. He was running away as they kill his parents.

There's another story of a woman who was from Honduras. After the natural disaster, her family and her - she has a husband who's very sick and thus is not able to work, and four kids- encountered the hardships making a living. Her wages was just not enough to cover all the expenses for such a big family. So she chose to make money in USA. On the road she also got raped from those basterds. She now thinks she can't see her husband ever again out of guilty which she doesn't even deserve.

Other than these, there were a lot of stories about it. I was surprised. It has left a huge impact in my mind. I wish I could make some contribution to make the situation better.

Sometimes it's much better watching documentary and knowing their personal lives than reading articles and statistics.

I wish I could have explaned better but, English is still not my strength. I hope you enjoy anyhow. Furthermore, you can reach to the much much better information about all the movies at wikipedia.

Thank you for reading me. I promise I will get better in writing with time so that I can give you more precise and elaborated explanation that could definitely help you have the ideas of what I'm talking about.

¡Que va!

2007-11-30T22:34:00.000-08:00

Today I got this huge emotional wave of delight, happines and joy. I won the third prize at the English Essay Contest hosted by Pukyung University. I saw the advertise just yesterday and I applied yesterday. There hadn't been a time for preparing for this.

The theme was quite difficult. As the presidential election is coming soon in this country, they wanted to know what I think about the effects that the presidential election might be bringing to the relationship between North and South Korea. I'd already been informed that they were gonna provide us with an current political issue but I could never see this was coming.

They allowed us two hours to write down. For the first thirty minutes I couldn't write a word because I was completely lost and had no idea where to start. However, when I realized that I should at least give it a shot not to disappoint myself. At that moment, I wasn't expecting to be elegible for any prize I just wanted to finish what I started.

During the time I had to go to the bathroom twice, while there was no one in the classroon who went to the bathroom I've never experienced this before but somehow today I was nervous and that caused some kind of an activity in my stomach. So I couldn't help but spend a little long time in the bathroon. Because of that, I couldn't have time to check the errors and see how I had done.

In the time of announcing the winners, I was hopeless because the people who examined our essays told us about on which basis, cirteria they have evaluated and I just realized that I didn't complete any of them in my writing. However, I was totally alright, because I admited that I haven't done a good job and the topic was just too difficult for me.

But, somehow I was called for the third prize and they gave me 100,000 won. Woops. First time I felt strange than happy. "It must be a mistake", I thought, even though I didn't wnat them to correct it.

I guess the people I competed with today were just too young. Many of them are 5 or 6 years younger than me. So for me, it may be easier. Although the winner of the first prize also was 5 year old younger than me. Well, that was quite a big challenge for me.

Now I somehow feel so confident. I got prize for something that I wasn't sure, that I thought I screwed up. So, if I can have a chance to show what I can do very well, what will the award be?

Zendegi va digar hich(그리고 삶은 계속된다.)

2007-11-26T04:03:00.000-08:00

For some of you who might be wondering how I am doing these days, I am kindly putting some peaces of my life here, or that's just what I'm trying to, and I'm gonna try to bring only things that are worth to tell. Woops, well, then, will there be any?

Right now I'm listening to this Italian Cellist, named 'Giovanni Sollima's cello playing which makes my mind so busy, complicated confused in a sensitive way. I think it was a good choice for a background music for now, because I am dealing with something really confusing and complicated, it's called 'my life'.

I don't know where to start, and I don't know why I strated either. Somehow it occurs me now that I really have nothing to say. You must have some kind of connection or things in common when you talk to someone, and I'm trying to figure out if I have anything here and if so, what that could be.

Well, 'No importa.' I can just leave some traces of my life here and let anybody whoever wants to enjoy it or tolerate it. Even if I don't have any guest here, that's alright. I'm ready for accept the provement how I've been living until now. Well, no visitor doesn't mean that I've been living in a wrong way, either, anyway. I just don't have so many friends who can read me in English or who are really active internet user. I'm the strange one among my friends.

Bueno, today I wanted to make a little coment for each of what has happend to me for a while. There are things that I want to remember and think about what kind of meaning they have in my life. That was what pushed me to suddenly write this stuff, even though they were not any of major change or something crucial.

1. Allal has left. He has been my best friend for the last two years. I am so grateful that I had him as my friend. He has showed me how to be stronger in life, how to have confidence in life, how to be more faithful, and he always has warned me for my weaknesses and encouraged me for my strenths and pushed me to work harder on what I do. He's now back to his family. He seems so happy to be with his son and I am so happy for him, too. I will always remember him and wish best for him.

2. The chatting stuff. Nowadays I'm kind of addicted to the chatting. I started this to improve my spanish. I have met lots of people from all over the world, well, not really from all over the world but only in spanish speaking countries. But, when you think how many countries speak spanish, it is quite a lot. I have made some comlombian friends, spanish friends, and one from uruguay, chile, etc.... Although I lost contact with some of them, but the ones that still are in contact with me are now my good friends. They say 'hi' whenever I log in msn, they would talk to me for and hour or two about anything in their life, and they from time to time send me e mails with music recommendation or little beautiful stories or their photos. So I am having so much fun nowadays. Well, in the process, there have been some kind of nasty guys or freaks, but I'm not a freak, so we couldn't make friends with each other. Like I always think, in life, there must be a little nice surprise sometimes to make a life more colorful. I now hay friends with whom I can share my interest about movie, or music and etc. And I'm happy. Estoy contenta!

3. I got a second prize for the Spanish Contest hosted by Spanish faculty of my school. That was an event happened before they throwed a party for Spanish majoring students that night. I told people a stupid fairy tale wich didn't even make sense at all, but my acting was so real and I didn't forget the line and professors loved my acting and my Spanish prononciation so they thought I deserved that award. I feel proud of myself.

4. I got an offer from one of my professors of Spanish faculty to study in our school's graduate school. I might be beneficial of scholarship and I don't have to pay for the tuition, I will be able to have my own office to study, I will be able to get all of those connections to build up my career, and finally, who knows? I could be one of them teaching students at university. This was aquite big offer but I didn't answer anything yet, because I'm not sure if I stay here any longer I can survive. However, it was good to be chosen and offered.

5. Let go of the past. I always think the best way is to learn from the past and then forget about it and accept the way it is. And I'm doing quite well, now. ^^Y.

sources of laughing

2007-10-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

we need to laugh a good laugh sometimes. Hope they help you laugh and feel refreshed.

The guy in the left is an anchor of a news channel of ABC. He's talking about a raper that has fleed after commiting a serious crime and that raper's montage was being showed next to him. And, what a coincidence! They look like twins.

An Japanese Animation Addicted is in paper box playing a role as GUNDAM.

I like this guy so I tried to find some films in which he was, and I found this poster. How funny he could be without any word!

I like this little cartoon so much. What a wise mother!

I don't know why I found it so hilarious, but when I found this book in a bookstore, I couldn't help but laugh so hard that people around me looked at me surprised. I still don't know those 100 people, even though I promised myself to search, but I still can't find any time available for that.

He must have been so hungry! Hey, baby. Your mom is behind you.

Above - The name of my college. I just call it 'PUFS','cause it's easier. The coffee machine gives us a instant unhealthy coffee and a huge lie!!!

My freind Nikki has tons of cute, funny pairs of socks. It's just one of them!

I was on the bus and this guy with funny jacket was coming toward where I was and stopped to stand and hold a grib turning his back to me. As soon as I saw his jacket I thought it was cool and funny. So I took a picture of it and the camera made a noise(You can't take pictures without sound, because some people have brought their cell phone to a sauna or a gym and taken pictures of naked people and posted them on internet, so after that series of happenings, cell phone companies don't make cell phone with which you can take pictures without sound.) Luckily, he didn't turn around to identify that sound. So he didn't know what I was doing.

It's a Spanish artist who's at the moment that the picture was taken protesting against 'war' and 'terrorism'. Spain has been having that terrorism problem for such a long time, as you know. Most of the time, the 'ETA' guys cause that problem. Well, although I don't see his point through his posture and clothes that he almost wore, and red shoes and helmet, but it's quite pleasant to see him like this. ( quite different effect that he intended in the first place.)

Why do they give that napkin to the customers? What if he was with his date? Oh, I see. He's gonna get more passionated about his partner,'cause that napkin might stimulate his sexual desire.

I would love to finish this update with my own face which could be funnier than anything sometimes. I promise I try harder next time. See ya!

Direction is more important than velocity.

2007-09-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

I was awake until it was very late at night last night, actually, this morning, because I ruined my normal cycle during the past holidays by spening nights awake doing trivial things and sleeping from the morning to the afternoon.

The rythm is so easy to destroy but it is so difficult to build up again. However, I really needed to get back to my old standard routine since I'm still a university student who has 21 hours from 7 classes a week. If I'm not able to adapt this easy going university life, how am I supposed to adapt more severe environment? I'm sure this process is just a warming-up in my life and I know I have to be prepared for the next rigorous steps.

Anyway, I was awak last night unable to sleep so I was going back and forth of the processes of letting my brain think whatever it wanted and trying to control my thoughts with conscioussness.

When I tried too hard to get some sleep by pretending unconsciouss, relaxing my body, mind, brain, all of those useless, stupid, disturbing thoughts poped up in my head such as those dreams that I couldn't realize, those people that I can't see anymore for any reason, those things that I enjoyed so much but all gone, and yada yada yada and they made me so emotional that it kept me more awake. So eventually I decided to be more consciouss so that I can control all those thoughts in my brain, restrain them and keep them quiet and give myself a break to get some sleep. But, as you can tell, it doesn't work either, because, I mean, how can you sleep when you're fully consciouss?

I tried almost everything. I read Leviticus. I thought all those ancient terms and idioms for praising God by animal sacrifices and religious rituals would make me sleepy. Well, I was wrong. In my age, you get familiarity even with things that are not so known to you. It can be called the wisdom of age, if I can say that. So, I started understanding all the other respects and history about Christianity related to the text and even some other religions' features such as Islam's Hallal food and Judasm's animal sacrifices that have been currently executed. That lead me from ideas to ideas, too. Therefore, it was not a good solution. So I quit doing it.

Next I read in Spanish. I'm currently reading this famous book-I think it would be the most famous novel written by an author among native Spanish speaking writers- called 'Cien Años de Soledad' both in Korean and Spanish. I finish one chapter in Korean and I reread that chapter in Spanish. In that way I can study the real style of the author and his authentic characters of writing. I read in Korea first because I'm still not capable of reading Spanish novel without any help and dictionary would be too much work for me. And I'm enjoying this reading method.

Anyway I read in Spanish to get myself tired so that I can sleep. But more I read, more I got awake from all those worries about my Spanish. "How can you not know this simple word? You stupid!!", "Wow, there are whole lots of vocabularies that I still don't know", "Hm, didn't know people use this expression." I started taking notes and studying seriously, and that kept me more consciouss. So, I threw the book.

Next, I had no idea so I navigated in Internet for second. And I found a ilttle videoclip in which there's this teenaged looking girl who provoked Korean netizens so much by mentioning that she doesn't like kimchi, that it looks disgusting. She speak fluent Japanese and she is now in Japan experiencing culture difference and some culture shocks, too. When I saw that video, I wasn't so offended by her little comment about kimchi like many people because I think she said what was on her mind and that was just the impression that she got, not a criticism or justification of anything. One might feel that way about kimchi, if he/she's not familiar with it. Her little videoclip is just on that level, not so informative, not so intellectual, but just about her feeling and impressions. What's the use of discussing and reasoning about something that doesn't have a depth? However, I was quite impressed about her video. Because she never bores out the audiences. She has good sense of humor, she makes her comments very clear and short and enjoyable. She looked quite popular in youtube, too considering what she said at the end of that short video "Thanks for all of your e mails and nice words, everybody. I'm trying to say everything that I'm supposed to say because I'm a nice person"

I got this idea from that video. I have a multi-functional cellphone which contains lots of features including games, music player, and ..... camera!! I decided to record myself talk about whatever that would make a good sense. I recorded myself speaking in Korean, English and Spanish. I got 7 or 8 results at the end, but I watched them and erased some of them that were too pointless.

That was quite a good experience. Now I know what my weaknesses are when I talk, like 'official talk'. That recording work reminded me of the time when I was in ther interview last time for working as a teacher assistant during a month for a summer English camp program for elemtary school kids hosted by my college. They were finding 8 people and I thought I would beat all of those other student with my stunning English and long life experience of dedicating to the kids as a teacher in church and short term experience in private institue, too. Well, I passed first step on which they examined my resume, and the next and last step was the interview. At the next step, I failed.

I was expecting so much to the level that I can't even describe and I was sure that I was qualified enough, so when I got to know that I wasn't accepted I was totally devastated. I made a call here and there crying and asking people if my English was that bad, especially to my good foreign freinds who have helped me with English so much so far. (Allal, Nikki and Stephen. You've been great comfort that day. I love you all.) They said they didn't think my English is bad.

I agree with them. I don't want to be overly proud of myself but let me tell you this. I'm writing this blog with only handful of times of help from dictionary. (If you want to evaluate this blog and try to oppose my comment, well, what can I say?)

That failure had something to do with my weaknesses in making speach in public! I felt that weaknesses when I took the Spanish test, too. It gets more serious with foreign languages. It surely has something to do with my language ability but yet, I think it has more to do with how hard it is for me to organize my thoughts logically in those languges. If I can do that job well, I think I will be able to speak those languges using basic vocabularies. It can't be so fluent but it can be logical. Well, it works even with my mother tongue, too. How many times did I stumble at express even very simple things in public? My presentations, my interviews, etc. Some people might have thought I'm a retarded, I'm sure.

Nowadays, you need to know how to arange your thoughts and have a logical opinion and express them in public. Being timid is not seen cute or modest anymore.

I found something very useful for future last sleepless night . I might do that more often and improve my speach.

After realizing it, I slept. It was 4:00 AM.

(PS: the title might not be seen so appropriate for this text. Well, it's just a phrase that has been in my mind for a while.)

A stupid obsession from the poor heart

2007-08-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

I'm here sitting at my desk again, trying to pretend that I was born in a 'English-speaking' country, to get rid of my 'Korean-speaking' nature, to foeget who I really am, to keep up writing about my life here in goddamn language, 'English'. No offense for English users, and excuse me for the language, but, come on, it's a never-ending story to learn it. Woops, I already showed my frustration the last time, why do I have to make it clear that I'm not fluent enough everytime I start blogging? That's so cheap of me to buy some pity from people. So, let's move on.

The school just started this week from Monday. I thought I would prepare for the classes beforehand by reading about subjects and trying to have some background knowledges about them in summer vacation. However, I did nothing. Other than some excuses like unpleasant weather of summer time, summer camps that I had to attend, I think it's mostly because I'm too stupid to realized how important things are when I can't see them right in front of me. And now I'm realizing with great frustration more and more every day how important it was to have preapared for those clases. "Damn, what was I thinking?"

I think I made a huge mistake by gaining a full scholarship last semester, 'cause my mom now thinks it's easy and even natural for me to get another one this semester. Wow, that is a big pressure!

I myself have lots of reason to get that scholarship so that I don't have to pay for the next semester which will be totally empty for me because by the end of this semester, I will have completed all the scores that I need for graduation and there's no point to go back to school especially when I can make money instead. But by the school regulations, even if I completed all the scores before I spend 4 years at school, I need to register for 8 semesters anyway if my total GPA isn't as high as 4. And to register means, you know, to pay the tuition. My GPA is only 3.94 (How human is that? I mean, 4 is crazy for human being like us). So, if I can't get another scholarship, I need to pay 2,700,000won for next semester but not for a single class.

And second reason is that almost all classes that I'm taking now are the ones that I took before. 2004, My mom paid the school only half of the tuition for the autumn semester and I have finished all the classes, and waiting for the good marks because I did my best and I'd done good jobs on midterm and final exams. But school erased all my records about that semester because, in according to what they said, my mom(or me, whoever) didn't pay the rest until the semster officially finished. What could I have ever done? I was in the school thinking all about study and I didn't even work and mom was supposed to pay the rest. But, who cares? They deleted my record anyway and didn't give us back the half that we paid. They said, I should have taken some process that I would have never known. And I was so angry at mom and the school, I decided never come back to the school and worked here and there for 2 years, and after that 2 years, I came back finally. (It could be another long story, but I'm not to talk about it here today.) And when I came back to school, I paid not only the tuition but also the extra 500,000 won for re-admission to the school. Anyway, so the classes that I'm talking this semester must be easier for me than others since I'm taking them twice, all over again.

However, there are plenty of reasons that I can't get the scholarship, too. Such as that we have students who just came from their study-abroad in Mexico for one year or two. They are definitely much more fluent that I am. Of course, they spent thier days and nights there and have got exposed by that language and must have picked up vocabularies about this and that. U-gh, how am I gonna compete them? If I can compete them and even beat them, then, that's something really wrong. That means there's no reason to spend a great deal of money on airplane tickets and accomodation and school and everything for study-abroad, but just sit down at the desk and study like HJ! They are supposed to be better than me and that's how it is!

Also, I almost forgot everything even before I learned a lot. So, other students who have kept their study without any break during their studying years have their advantages in that respect.

Woops, I'm not so worrying kind of person, but somehow I'm all obsessed about scholarship and fulfilling my mom's expectation. I don't think it's a good attitude for pursuing my goal, I mean scholarship should be the result, not the goal. Spanish should be the goal. Well, who am I kidding? Who cares what's the goal or result? It's 2,700,000 won we're talking about!

Why do we have to pay that much money for the college? The school doesn't even have a Spanish channel in the language labatory. They raise their tuition every year and why is that? We have some professors who think they can mock us by imposing us to buy their books for their classes instead of really useful, inteligent books for the subject. Last semester one professor finished the class 2 weeks earlier without even testing us and marked us the way he felt like.

And what about the workers in school? They think they can make fun of us by giving us false information. One of my classmates asked a question about her graduation and the guy in the service center said, she has to take 3 English classes for seniors to graduate which is totally ridiculous because there can't be a rule like that. I mean, she wants to graduate early, before becoming a senior, and school law permits someone with GPA of more than 4 to do that. Then, why does it have that law when one can't take those senior's classes because she is only a junior. I don't mean that she's not qulified for taking them, but her time table doesn't allow it. It's almost impossible. Furthermore, the classes for senoirs are really not as important as juniors because some seniors are expected to leave the school earlier because they get a job before graduation and school has to accept it. And some student have major and minor, then they can't take all the seniors' classes. The seniors' calsses are only for pathetic students like me who doesn't even have a minor so we need to take more major classes. So, it was all contadictory. She asked other workers in the school and all the others said that they have never heard of such a rule. Next day, she came and asked again, and he said, this time, that she needed to take 2 of senior's classes. What? 2? not 3? what about what he just said yesterday? She asked why he said something different from yesterday and he was so angry at her and yelled at her like this "Why can't you just thank me for reducing your pressure? Do you want me to give you a same answer? OK, take 3, otherwise, you can't graduate!!!" How random he is and he is the most responsible one of the service center of our schol, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, all I'm saying is there's no worth to pay 2,700,000won for this school. So, I would love to get the scholarship. Whouldn't it be understandable? Or, am I too negative?

Alright, let's be honest and humble.

I'm so poor and I really need that money.

Now, it's much more understandable, isn't it?

Please, help me, God!!!!!

Small happiness

2007-08-19T00:05:00.000-07:00

It has been so long without upgrading this. Somehow I feel guilty, and that seems a little stupid. Why do I make resolutions about everything even when I know it's impossible?
Anyway, I'm here on my desk thinking about writing my thoughts in English. English......I don't know what kind of curse it is but I can never be perfect in English no matter how hard I try. I've put great deal of efforts, energy and time on it but still I stumble very often, and sometimes even at truly simple concepts.
So, this blogging is kind of a challenge for me. I want to try anyway. Maybe this can be my practicing which I need so bad considering upcoming GRE test on December. The test has a writing section so I should be able to write down in English with logic, appealing point of view using proper vocabularies. I hope I can make the most of this blogging and it helps me write better in English.
Now I have only about ten days to go back to school. What am I doing? I have such a tough time schedule next semester and I know there are lots of students who can speak much better spanish than I do. I should have been studying Spanish by now. However, all I've been doing is pretty much watching movies. Uh-oh.
For the few months from now on, I have to be isolated and concentrate my energy only on study. I should become so-called 'Study Machine'. You can call me just SM, the acronym. -Don't imagine other thing.
GRE and next semester is coming. Both are so important. GRE is the door for me to pursue my study further and experience living other country. Next semester's scholarship is also the key for me to enter an easy graduation. So, I'm so nervous.
This summer is one of the most unpleasant season that I've ever experienced. It's extremely hot, humid and suffocating. I take a shower average, 3 times a day these days. ( Can I say "I take 3 showers"? ) People are turning on their AC as hard as it can be. We don't have AC at home so it's much better to go to shcool library. That way, I can study more.
One of the biggest hobbies these days is re-design things.I don't know which is correct, to 'reform' or to 'remake'? Anyway, I like pretty things and if some of my stuff are not so pretty I try to do something on it. It could be clothes, shoes, bags and pretty much everything.
These days some of my stuff has been changed by my unskilled craftsmanship and hand-working.

Here are some examples.
I wish I had taken pictures of these things before I worked on them so that we can compare. But I was too stupid.

This sleeveless shirt was originally plain without those two pink lines. I didn't like how plain it was so I put those two lines(you can buy those lines in traditional market.) and stitched them.

And next,

with same lines, (Maybe it's better to call them as 'tapes')I decorated another plain t-shirt. It was nothing but white so I thought it would be nice to add little 'attraction'. But I didn't do anything on the back this time, so I tried to make my hair look busier.

I had some very revealing sleeveless shirts so I tended to avoid wearing them many times. Especially in a relatively conservative country like here, we should think about 'social standard', I don't want to be rude or happen to draw some attention from 'tempted' guys. So I added some textile to cover the crack of my boobs.(Woops!)
Also I made a little necklace. Of course, pendant was not made by me. I just bought it and string and tied it up. But still, it was hard to insert a nail and tie the string.

This is not good fabric, but I liked the design first time I saw, but it also had a plain back. And the girth is too big so I needed to shrink it by sewing and needed to cover that by something pretty. So I bought some lace and stitched it. You can see that lace was used on the orange colored sleeveless shirt above.

I bought this shirt with real 'good price'.It was only 5,000 won(about 5 dolors). Cheap and pretty. But its ribbon was terrible so I changed with some strings that I already had. Now it's much better.

And shorts and skirt!
I added 3 buttons on the skirt to avoid its monotone. As for the shorts, I put the rabbit to make it look more fun!

And the bags! I didn't have any backpack, so I asked my cousin to give me some bagpacks that he doesn't use anymore. I didn't want to buy any more bags, thinking how much money I spent on clothing this year. He was willing to give me many bags that he doesn't use or doesn't like anymore and he offered 4 or 5 but I just picked 2 among them and I liked these. I took them home and washed and added a little style. As for the white one, you can still see the stain but it wouldn't come out so I put the plaided red-white tape on it and sewed. About the black one, I stiched an animation character on it. It looks more fun now.

This necklace was given by a preacher in my church. He has been to Kyrghyzstan for his missionary trip and bought this for me. It was plain purple wihout any markings and you know, I don't like if it's plain. I painted it with nail polish.
The monkey necklace is for keeping my cell phone in it. If I keep cell phone in my bag I wouldn't be able to pick up and answer before the ring stops. So I bought this and there's nothing I've done on it because it was not plain!!

Well, it's pretty much self-talking. So I think I don't have to worry about boring some people out with this trivial stuff. It's been a cute little happiness in my daily life. Uh-gh. I think I need to socialize a little bit and stop being so obssesed about small things.

A new day comes every 24 hours

2007-07-17T10:02:00.000-07:00

I guess I should do something constructive before I go to sleep. I know it's already too late to do anything actually because I have to go to the summer camp tommorrow too, but I really don't want to just sleep, because I'm so eager right now for something that I don't even know exactly what it is. I hate to be awake until it's too late and not be able to wake up early to start a day with fresh mind, but the cycle was already broken by the nap I took from this morning to the afternoon.

However I really have to go back to the normal cycle for sake of being precise and regular about life. Well, but looking back to my life, I can easily tell that I'm more of a night person thatn a morning person.

The thing is though, there's no so much for me to say here. Not for the fact that there's no so many people to read, - probably no one is reading it including the one who suggested me to blog and encouraged me so much - but for the fact that I don't see the point to leave all the happenings and feelings of my life here. It's not because those are not worth my time to write, but because I keep changing and I am still growing up. Well, after I said this, I see that the point is probably that I can get a chance to see how I change with time. Well, okay, that's the purpose, then.

Summer is here with lots of mosquitos flying by. Every year, summmer has different meaning for me. Well, at least for the couple of past years. The summer season of 2002 was relaxing, doing nothing, the summer of 2003 was being stupid, wasting time, the summer of 2004 was about an exprience of a whole new culture at my host family's house in California, the summmer of 2005 was working, frustrating time, the summer of 2006 was about love, and the summer of this year, 2007 is about constructing my life, or at least trying to construct my life.

I've been thinking about my future so much and I realized more I think, more I get lost. So, maybe the future is not for me to think, it's for me to wait and see, and that means the present is for me to keep running on the path and to make sure not to take the wrong track. Because I don't know which is right path to take so all I can do is to avoid the wrong tracks to which I might be attracted sometimes.

I am away from home and see the different things around everyday these days. But I know I'm still the same person. How I use my time, money and energy are all determined by who I am here as well. So I always have this tension for which I should make right decision.

Somehow the things that are occupying my mind are more prominent here. I'm still not so free from them. I will try to fill me with new, fresh, constructive ideas for my future.

Maybe I'll be no so active about writing e mails to my freinds any more. I think somehow I can use that energy for writing something for myself here.

So, let's keep looking at it. There's no so many sholders to lean on. I should be able to stand on my feet.

2007-07-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

Final Tontaria Examen

2007-06-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

This is my essay for the final exam of my English class.
The professor is a total 'tonto'.
I'll see how much scores he gives me this time.
How much do you think I deserve?
The highest is 100.

====================================================================================

Japan has several particular social problems in it right now. They could be referred as social problems because they have reached beyond the individual level. Those issues are ones like young girls having affairs with elderly to make money, committing suicide, 'izime' which means in Japanese a kid getting isolated from his or her group and getting beaten or abused by other kids, 'otaku' which means becoming an obseessive maniac of something, 'hikikomori' which indicates people who refuse to go out and meet people and have social life but want to spend days and nights alone in their rooms in front of their computers surfing internet, watching animations or movies and doing online games and so on.
Those problems don't have long history but they have been spread to people, especially to the juveniles who are easy to be influenced. And with convenience of internet use, youngsters find it easy to get involved with them.
It would be easy to scold the kids who commit affairs with old guys or who bully their classmate and stuff like that, but it is not easy to stop all those trends in that way. I think Japanese should study and research the backgrounds and try to approach to the problems with more systematical and realistic solutions.
The suicide problem is one of the most serious and constant problems in Japan. In many books of modern literature and movies, we can see someone in the story end up committing suicide. That means it's now common in Japan. That means almost everybody in the society has an acquaintance or two who killed themselves. In the novel 'Norwegian Wood' of the famous writer 'Murakami Haruki', there are at least three people who killed themselves. Suicide is something very close to their life.
Furthermore, about the teenage suicide, like the issues that were mentioned above, the teenagers have been influenced by the trend deeply. They seek the solution from the options they have in their society. They are still not mature enough to stand on their own feet and think over the things and their meanings. It is more possible for teenagers to commit suicide without considering their lives deeply than for adults to do.
I don't dare to say that I could analyze things behind this phenomenon, since I've never been to Japan. However I could just assume that maybe the tendency of Japanese people working and thinking as a group than as an individual makes these things get on the social level. Also, I could add that maybe between parents and children there's no much conversation, so kids who feel frustrated so much to make them want to kill themselves, can't find the outlet to express their feelings. In addition to that, I know that the pressure onto teenagers is not less than that onto Korean kids. The pressure could be of study just like in Korea, and it could be being bullied by others, and so on. I think it's the first step to clarify the reasons of teenagers committing suicide so that we can come up with ideas of stopping that.
I think trying to understand and know more about teenagers' lives is essential and basic. Because I view that all the phenomena of teenagers are very serious and they must have produced from isolation from the previous generation. If they had had decent communication enough each other, kids would have known that they had someone supportive and loving and caring, and they wouldn't have killed themselves. That is a pity that they didn't even get a chance to think about it again by talking to their parents about their lives and agonies. The parents who have more life experiences and most of all, love and care for their children.
Also, it is advisable to make the healthy and sound environment for teenagers. Japanese teenagers are exposed by so many dangerous things such as violence, sex, and so on. That is the dark side of technological development. It is easy to get pornography, violent movies and games through the technological instruments. Therefore people should try to make children's life safer, healthier by getting them more optimistic and bright environment to live. Making more sports teams, dancing clubs and other activities could motivate children. Especially people who educate teenagers, teachers, managers and presidents in schools should approach to kids' life and the world they are living in and try to understand what they have in their mind and think about them and try to get them better system and better education which involves not only books and knowledges but also morality, humanism and respect for society and for themselves.

No eres tu

2007-05-30T03:57:00.001-07:00

It's not you

but your meaning

that bothers me so much.

So I decided to erase that meaning

out of my mind.

So, you're not guilty to me.

But you're nothing to me.

========================================

No eres tu.

Es tu significacion

que me molesta tanto.

Por eso me decidi a borrar la significacion

de mi corazon.

Entonces tu no eres culpable para mi.

Pero tu eres nada para mi.

Controvertido(a) - instead of controversial

2007-04-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm pasting a Spanish speaker's opinion about cases where Spanish is being translated in a bad way into English. It gets affected or influenced by English, so the some vocabularies get transformed similar to English. That would be a offense to Spanish and its speakers, I guess.
So I should be careful for that, and should other translators, as well!

¿controversial o controvertido?

Juan Carlos Garling

A todos muchísimas gracias por confirmar la prevalencia de controvertido.

Llama la atención la poca preparación de los traductores de los subtitulos en español en programas de alto nivel como ser History Channel, Discovery y National Geographic.

Algunas son simplemente risibles, otras ambiguas y otras totalmente incomprensibles para personas que no sean bilingües y puedan inferir el sentido por la palabra inglesa.

Un caso concreto es cuando se dice que 'El enemigo sufrió muchas casualidades durante la batalla' pretendiendo traducir casualties, debiendo decir bajas. ¿Debo suponer que sufrió muchos eventos fortuitos?

O cuando menciona 'la propela' para referirse a 'the propeller of the airplane', debiendo decir hélice.

O cuando dice 'Alejandro Magno cruzó desiertos y montañas con su armada para conquistar el Imperio Persa', donde armada es un simple calco de army, debiendo decir ejército.

Tengo a la fecha reunidas 108 traducciones cuestionables de esta naturaleza.

Les Jours Tristes

2007-01-15T20:50:00.000-08:00

Les Jours Tristes

It's hard, hard not to sit on your hands
And bury your head in the sand
Hard not to make other plans
And claim that you've done all you can all along
And life must go on

It's hard, hard to stand up for what's right
And bring home the bacon each night
Hard not to breack down and cry
When every idea that you've tried has been wrong
But you must carry on

It's hard but you know it's worth the fight
'Cause you know you've got the truth on your side
When the accusations fly, hold tight
Don't be afraid of what they'll say
Who cares what cowards think, anyway
They will understand one day, one day

It's hard, hard when you're here all alone
And everyone else has gone home
Harder to know right from wrong
When all objectivities gone
And it's gone
But you still carry on

'Cause you, you are the only one left
And you've got to clean up this mess
You know you'll end up like the rest
Bitter and twisted, unless
You stay strong and you carry on

It's hard but you know it's worth the fight
'Cause you know you've got the truth on your side
When the accusations fly, hold tight
And don't be afraid of what they'll say
Who cares what cowards think, anyway
They will understand one day, one day, One day

Musique : Yann Tiersen
Chant : Neil Hannon

La Rupture

2007-01-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

La Rupture

Windows, doors, walls and carpets,
chairs, tables and flowers, bread, wine,
butter and jam, fries, meat, beans and all spices.

I've lost the taste of these things for two weeks now.
I'm just waiting for a cup of dirty snow.
Airports, railroad stations, highways, streets and foggy lines.

Traffic, lights, cars and planes, boats, bicycles and walkers.
Now i'm wondering, blind, in the city.
I'm surrounded by towers, made of dirty snow.

Faces, ears and bellies, backsides, legs, fingers and feet.
Sweat, tears, dripping bodies, parties, someone is fucked up.
Now I'm quiet in this snow, snowy country.
I'm hanging on until I am old, just older than now.

Musique : Yann Tiersen
Chant : Claire Pichet

La parade

2007-01-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

La Parade

Another day to live
another way to go
nobody's in this room
nobody's here for now

wake up early
i know it's too late
to late for the parade

look at my feet
moving slowly
I'm afraid it's over

naked
a bit sleepy
in my single room
I open the door
call up call up the lift

I wish I was in the parade

sometimes i feel my skin
sometimes i hear a voice
"please try to be friendly"
but I'm too old inside

I'm so jealous
but proud to be
an ordinary girl
I'd like to talk
but you know i hate
all ordinary words

naked
a bit sleepy
in a single room
i open the door
call up call up the lift

Musique : Yann Tiersen
Chant : Lisa Germano

monochrome

2007-01-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Monochrome

Anyway, I can try
anything it's the same circle
that leads to nowhere and i'm tired now.

Anyway, I've lost my face,
my dignity, my look,
all of these things are gone
and I'm tired now.

But don't be scared,
I found a good job and I go to work
every day on my old bicycle you loved.

I'm pilling up some unread books under my bed
and I really think I'll never read again.

No concentration,
just a white disorder
everywhere around me,
you know I'm so tired now.

But don't worry
I often go to dinners and parties
with some old friends who care for me,
take me back home and stay.

Mochrome floors, monochrome walls,
only abscence near me,
nothing but silence around me.
Monochrome flat, monochrome life,
only abscence near me,
nothing but silence around me.

Sometimes I search an event
or something to remember,
but I've really got nothing in mind.

Sometimes I open the windows
and listen people walking in the down streets.
there is a life out there.

But don't be scared,
I found a good job and I go to work
every day on my old bicycle you loved.
Anyway, I can try
anything it's the same circle
that leads to nowhere and I'm tired now.

Anyway, I've lost my face,
my dignity, my look,
all of these things are gone
and I'm tired now.

But don't worry
I often go to dinners and parties
with some old friends who care for me,
take me back home and stay.

Mochrome floors, monochrome walls,
only abscence near me,
nothing but silence around me.

Monochrome flat,
monochrome life,
only abscence near me,
nothing but silence around me.

Musique : Yann Tiersen
Chant : Dominique An

The Sunrise

2007-01-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

I took 2 of my cousins to see the first sunrise of New Year. I don't know good places to go for watching it so I took them to Kosin University which is located on the highest spot in an island near the city and offers a good landscape of the sky.

The last day of 2006 we went to church at 11:00 PM. We celebrated New Year's day with church people and we went to watch a midnight movie. The timetable of the movies was funny, there are movies at 25:30 or 27:00. A day is 24 hours, isn't it? I guess some part of our society just can't send a day away so easily just like how I date my journal when I write it after midnight. Even if it's a new day I think it's fair enough to consider that as still a same day because I don't see any difference.

Although the timetable wanted to be stuck on the last day of 2006, we finally encountered the year 2007. Happy New Year~! I decided to make difference between 2006 and 2007 by myself. That's why I had to see the first sunrise of the year even though all the sunrises look same no matter which day it is except for the weather changing.

After we watched movie of 25:50, it was almost 4:00 o'clock. The movie -The Romantic Holiday- was so so, Jinhee - my cousin, the 19 year old girl - said she enjoyed the movie, but Soohyun - the other one, 16 year old boy - said he found it extremely boring. To me, it was a typical Hollywood romantic comedy. It feels very familiar and similar with "Love Actually". I mean the atmosphere, not the plot. I guess they think somebody must make a romantic film at Christmas season to make a little event for people and make them happy watching it. Typical ideas of getting out of your routine since it's a holiday and also getting out of your misery and making a decision for yourself, taking a lifetime opportunity, and having a happy ending with Mr. or Ms. Right that you 'just' met are so familiar, and I really doubt how long that kind of improvised happy ending would last, but the movie was pure entertainment. I don't have to take it seriously. However, I enjoyed watching the beauty of Kate Winslet and the old movie writer being in such a good company with her, attractive smile of Jude Law, musical talents of Jack Black, pleasant acting of Cameron Diaz and the voice always following her as some kind of vocational disease and making her life as an advertisement of movie.

We didn't know what to do until the first bus comes and take us to the sunrise. We went to the PC room and my two cousins played online game and I drew and painted a picture of a handsome guy with computer painting system, an hour later I tried to save my painting but it didn't work so I gave up and told my cousins the buses were running then, and we stepped out of the PC room.

We bought some triangle packed Gimbab's and three packs of milk from a convenience store. It cost us almost 8000 won. And then we found a Gimbab store called "GimBab CheonGook" we could have had better quality and quantity with same price.

We took bus to go to Kosin Univ'. When we arrived it was almost 6:20. Jinhee said in according to what she found out from an Internet portal site, the sun is supposed to rise at 7:44. We had approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes to wait and freez.

Jinhee brought her father's digital camera and had a lot of fun to take pictures. She taught herself how to use it, how to make all kinds of different pictures out of same scenery. The camera has lots of functions and settings and it offers all kinds of different way to take pictures in terms of mood, color, shape, and so on. But she couldn't find the way to fix the handshaking problem which is seen in almost every picture. It bothered her so much and we pressed the button to fix it, but it didn't work. I guess it somehow might have taught her how to control her hands when she takes pictures if we can look to the bright side of it.

I took pictures, too. But mine is poor cellphone camera and it doesn't reflex the reality so well. Stephen said if I have eyes for good pictures and I can find a good composition, the quality of camera doesn't matter. I agreed with him until I got frustrated from the experience that I couldn't express with the camera things that I found good. I guess it's how to get more obsessive with the machine and technique.

When we arrived there, it was dark. We couldn't have realized what time it was if we hadn't looked at the clock. Soohyun regretted a lot to join us. He had nothing to have fun to, there. I was so sorry to take him there.

We went up to the highest spot of the school. It was in front of dormitory. As time goes by the world around us started to get brighter and people started to gather to see the sunrise. I realized that the school is famous for the sunrise view, too.

Some people started to sing familiar songs. All the songs were Gospels. I sang along because I felt it was some kind of ritual to bring the sun.

It was unlucky day. The cloud was covering the sun. Sun was hidden behind the long, wide and fat cloud. We could barely see the tip of the sun and it was so pure, bright color and people yelled and gave a shout of joy.

It rained afternoon I think the cloud which was covering and hiding the sun and we hated so much now disappeared after falling to the ground as rain.

I hope your sorrow, agony, pain and everything that's covering your sun fall down and get washed away so that you can see your sunrise.

Happy New Year.

Productive Activity

2006-12-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

Director : Oh, Jeomyoon
Title : Productive Activity
Year : 2006

Sex is a productive activity.
Sex can produce offspring.
Sex can produce love.

Miyu has a conflict between her husband forcing her to have sex with him to make a baby and her boyfriend producing pure joy and love by having sex with her.

Miyu leaves her husband and choose to live with her boyfriend.

This kind of story always has a possibility to end up being a cliche. And so did this.
Her boyfriend, Donghwi turned out to be a man with many affairs with other women.
Their love doesn't last so long.

Miyu leaves him as well. But they meet at the end and have another sex producing something,...maybe love?

Love should be produced constantly, because it doesn't last forever itself.
It's like a flower living with water.

Constant care and affection is produced by sex and thus sex is productive activity.
I agree with the film director.

Anything Else

2006-12-30T07:39:00.000-08:00

One of my friends told me the other day that I used to be her Mentor. Mentor? What a big word for someone like me! I am not an expert of any area, I haven't mastered any skill, I could never be brave enough to change my life, I always have a hard time to say 'no' to people. There is absolutely nothing inside me to qualify me to be somebody's Mentor.

But we did talk a lot then. We spent a whole year getting together and having a little chat, sometimes serious conversation over the agonies that we had at that time. Usually I was a listener, and she always wanted to talk about her problems of her life, her relationship, her future.

I guess each relationship has different way to keep it. For our case,it was not that mutual. She wanted to talk all the time and she expected me to listen to her and give her advice, support and love. But she hardly tried to listen to my problems and from a certain point I stopped talking about my life to her. I didn't want to force anything to anybody if that involves one's heart. If she doesn't have any room in her heart for concerns of her friends' life who she calls her "Mentor", there's nothing I can do about it. Although she couldn't notice that, I couldn't help myself avoiding her calls, letters. We just remained as rarely talking friends.

There is another person that I met from Internet cafe.She used to own a small bar in Gwang-an lee beach and I started to visit there. It was very good place with clean and nice atmosphere and various world music and books. She and I became close friends even though she is 8 years older than me. She always asked about my life, my opinion, my thoughts about everything. She was almost addicted to listening to me. Sometimes I had to babble meaningless words that I didn't even know what I was talking about to please her ears. She made me paint, she made me write. With time, I got sick and tired of that strange relationship. And I started to avoid her. She called me hundreds times but I didn't answer. We were such good mate to talk about movies, musics until she became obsessive.

Now I don't have peculiar one to constantly talk with. My words should be elaborated, thoughtful, proven, fair and arranged to draw people's attention and make them listen to.

There is no doubt about that having a conversation mate is good thing in one's life. Especially when you get stressed out from your life. Just by talking you feel more relaxed and free. Sometimes conversation gives you distance from your life and objectivity for you to see your life. And you can also learn from others' experiences. Sometimes you can feel comfort from the listener.

But don't expect too much. There is no one who can solve your problems. There is no one who can listen to you when you repeating your whining over the same problems all the time.

Here he is. Young comedy writer. He enjoys hanging out and talking with the old guy, Dobel who is also comedy writer and a professor of the college. He always gives the young fellow something to think about.

One day Dobel said, "I was talking to the taxi driver about my life, how funny it is, how irrational all the things are, and I explained all the things. But he said " You know, it's like anything else!". Now, think about it!" And he moved away.

The young guy named Jerry has a terrible manager. The manager who doesn't even know how to make business and who's not a good a persuader. When the manager tries to get a work from a agency the manager always says the same old metaphor that says Jerry's writing is fabric with good quality which is not convincing at all. Everybody advises Jerry to fire that manager. But Jerry thinks it's unfair to his manager.

His girl friend is refusing to have sex with him for 6 months. She said it's alright for him to sleep with other girls unless he tells her. He has infatuation on her from the very first time that they met. He tries to reach her every night changing mood, reserving a table at the fancy restaurant. But she's not cooperative at all. But he can't leave her. Because he can't leave anyone. That's his problem. His therapist never say things that would help situation but that doctor's only interest is in a strange dream about Indian that Jerry had one day. But Jerry still goes there.

Amanda - his girl friend - said her mother was coming to live with them. Her mom -Pola- wants to sing at the bar. She practices singing at home. Jerry can't concentrate on his work.

Meanwhile, Dobel - the old guy who is a persecution maniac - can't see Jerry getting abused from the people around him. He got Jerry a rifle and some strange stuffs like water purifying pills, floating flashlight, so on. And all the things are purchased based on the idea that one should rely on oneself.

He also offers Jerry a job in California and suggest to go there together. Jerry finally decides to go and to leave everyone. But Dobel calls him from the deep place where nobody is around and tells him that he can't go with him because he killed a cop. He doesn't know if that is a life to make him go alone or a true from his over self protective character.

When he's in a taxi to the airport he saw Amanda with another guy. And he recognizes that the guy is a doctor who examined her when Amanda had a breathing problem right after they checked in a hotel to make a romantic mood.

He said how funny the life is and how some things in your life make confusion in your head and how unpredictable they are and stuffs like that to the taxi driver and the driver said, "You know, it's like anything else."

This movie is funny, witty and interesting. I've seen many of Woody Allen's films. I like his sense of humor, his insight, and he knows how to make jokes out of reality.

What I learned from this movie is that being able to stand on my feet, being able to rely on myself is necessary. And to do that, sometimes I need to leave things or people.

Talk to people and ask their opinion and advice, and appreciate them. Then finally think about what you want yourself.

I wish I had a Mentor for myself.

Dear my father

2006-12-30T03:43:00.000-08:00

Happy new year, Daddy!

How's up there?

I miss you a lot.

Hope we meet again soon.

I love you.

Here I am

2006-12-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

painted by Shannon Galadriel Wright "Perfect Form" 2003

My words are blocked out in this small square room which I have a desk, one closet for clothes, one closet for blankets, mirror and the floor that I can hardly toss about.

Several unspoken confessions choking my neck
Several unfulfilled wishes swelling up my heart
Several disorganized thoughts squeezing my head

Your disapproval cut off my arms.
Your contempt cut off my legs.

You gave me new pair of arms designed to do what you want me to do.
You gave me new pair of legs designed to go places you want me to go.

I am here begging you for food.
Begging for your mercy.

Just like you begging me to be perfect.

written by H.J.

I'm sorry

2006-12-27T16:56:00.000-08:00

I was crying myself to sleep yesterday night.
There wasn't anything sad around me.
I was feeling the pain in my chest.
I wondered if it's you in there.

I saw you in the dream the other day.
I was running and you were chasing me.
I was trying so hard not to look back.

I hided myself in the narrow alley.
I turned back and you were there looking at me with tear in your eyes.
I couldn't say anything.

I was thirsty.
There was a vending machine around a corner.
I walked up toward it.
Suddenly I stopped.
You were displayed inside the machine.
I was a little short on money to get you.

I went to the elementary school and I was a kid again.
My friend and I had a long rope but we needed another friend to jump the rope together.
You came and we were so pleased.
But all of sudden severe thundershowers came.
We rushed to get inside.
We tried to jump the rope in isle instead.
But the isle was so narrow and the rope was getting longer for some reason.
And you were hit several times as we were trying to adjust the rope.

After that dream I lost you.
I had always wondered where you were.
What you do.
Whether you sleep well.
Whether you miss me.

I could have found you earlier.
If I was more honest to myself.
If I listened to myself more closely.
But you knew that the time would come eventually.
That's why you hided youself there.
In my heart.
The place that I used to ignore and deny.

At last I was helpless.
At last I was hopeless.
I was finally pure enough to feel you.
You became a pure pain to me.

I'm so sorry.

I couldn't help you.
I was so busy taking care of myself.

I am so sorry.

Pictures that we took from the festival

2006-12-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

These are our works of art (?).
The pictures of me with red jacket are only ones that my cousin took.
The others are taken by me.

It was very sensational event.
I'm glad at the fact a University could make people living in local community so happy by allowing them visit it and enjoy what's prepared so thoughtfully and generously for them.

Right after that we passed the front gate, there are people serving visitors a cup of tea and coffee. They must be school workers or people from the church located near the school.

It was almost 7:00 when we arrived there, but it was already dark enough to make all the lights prominent.

Many people were entering through the gate. So were many cars. It could be confusing scene between people and cars, but there were few guys who gave direction to the cars and people. Also, they could be school workers or church people. And they were so kind,as well. I was out of my mind at the spectaculr atmosphere and taking pictures. I couldn't notice that I was in the middle of road and there's a car right behind me. The guy told me to move on in a very kind voice.

When we got in the school. Our jaw were dropping to the ground.There's no any missin spot in the school but everywhere is glittering and twinkling.

They were not just shining, but also they were made and shaped as pretty, cute, sometimes funny sometimes romantic things or places.

The first floor of a building in the school was open to the people and there are dolls, gift boxes for decoration which are of course empty.

My cousin and I had fun to take pictures of ourselves next to the trees, dolls.

I also enjoyed taking picture of every little cute things that I cannot see anywhere else.

I can't even imagine how much work they have done on this project.

They even made paper doves hanging on the fences. And you can also see some paper flowers and ribbons and smiling balls on the grass.

They didn't miss any spot in the school.

The festival will be end at January.
If you are available, please go visit. You'll never regret.

Christmas Tree Festival

2006-12-25T06:24:00.000-08:00

How was your Christmas?

I had such a good day. Since I became jobless, I got also penniless. From that point I started be afraid of seeing my friends. You can tell them very honestly about your situation and then they would understand you and would treat you in restaurants, and places that you go. But that doesn't keep happening. Soon they would think you cost them budget and they would wonder if you worth that bedget.

Last time my friend said, "Why don't you bring enough money so that we can have decent meal? It's your friends' birthday!" I was little shocked even though that was honest and possible for a friend to say to me. Maybe I got shocked because I didn't know that I hadn't taken that so seriously before she mentioned.

I thought this time is not good for hanging out with friends. I don't want to be someone who doesn't feel guilty of ripping off his/her friends.

When I'm flat broke, I feel insecure, inferior and ashamed. Yes, I'll get a job again. And I won't see any of my friends untill then.

I figured out that when I don't have money enough to go to some fancy kind of restaurants or bars I'd better call my 19 year old cousin and hang out with her. She just took the test for college and now is trying to figure out which college would be best to apply. Tommorrow is the deadline of application but her parents don't want to allow her to apply for the schools that she wants to. All the other students already finished their application, so she's so worried.

She wants to major in Archetecture which is not that attractive for her parents. She's thinking to study that in Europe so she's looking for the colleges that set up sisterhood with colleges in Europe. And she found one but her parents don't endorse that idea. Here we go again. Stubborn parents' objection. They have plenty to disagree, but they don't have pretty much to agree with, or suggest to their kids. Some parents want to be more than adviser, helper. They want to be controller, superviser of their children's lives. It always upsets me.

I've known her since she was born. Although we have 8 years difference between each other, we make nice, comfortable companionship. We know very well about each other's lives than our frineds do. We share family secrets. We know all the good things and bad things. We are familiar with every thick and thin around our family. And we have specail life-long bond.

We don't spend money as much as my friends and I who are in our later twenties do. That's another good thing to call my cousin.

But I'll call her when I'm financailly capable, too. I wish I could support her for the college.

Anyway, we went to Kosin University located in Young do. The university has a "Christmas trees festival" from 30th of November to January of next year. The trees are all over the place and it's spectaculor. Young do is where Stephen used to live, and visiting there reminds me a lot of him. I thought he would also love to visit there because he must be sensitive about visual scenery since he's a photographer.

Kosin University is a missin school. My elder brother whose name is Jeong Ho graduated from that and he's preparing to be a minister. Once he said, his vocation is on North Korea and he went to China to help escaped North Koreans and Chinese-Koreans. But he had to come back shortly after my father's death and he is working for the small community inSeoul now.

In according to him, Seould is biggest city of the country and has more churches than any other region. But it has two different prominent tendencies. The tendency of getting big, and the tendency of keeping small managable size. The church he's belong to is kind of small one. He said his church persue the community system, not the individual. I think it's hard to be a Christian but it's harder to belong to a Christian community. We are so busy people. Many people attend to church. But there are always some people who don't get along with church people. Grand churches have more cases like that. Small ones don't have many because it's hard to avoid getting know each other in such a limited place. My preference is small one, too.

Anyway, the Kosin Univ changed its Dean this year. And he's so passionate and has revolutionary mind. He changed the postion of irregular workers in school to regular and the employees can have social basic benefit from their job. He wants to change old bureaucratic things to fresh practical things. And this festival is also the one he projected.

I took a lot of pictures. It's hard to take good pictures of lights. Sometimes it gets blurred, sometimes it draws lines. And the ones that I thought it's normal could be seen so different from the real view. It's dissapointing.

But many people visit there and the web site of the university has a board to place the pictures of visitors.

These are the pictures that I stole from there.

with 'Bright Eyes'

2006-12-20T03:53:00.000-08:00

I heard 'Bright Eyes' all day. They are such a intense band. I don't follow their lyrics anyway, so I just played the computer audio system as background music. Maybe it's the intensity of the music that made me so tired now. I know it's ridiculous to say, but I didn't do any peculiar hard work today, but for some reasons I'm so tired.

I've been to the E market today which is near my house, Mom wanted me to buy some towels and cassette tape of Christmas carol.

It's been several years to go Big Market and buy a few big sized plastic bagful of things and bring them home by car. Ever since Daddy passed away, we don't shop like before. We don't have a car to carry, we don't have much to buy, either. We just drop by and pick up a few things that we really need and walk home.

I had to go that Market twice today. Mom didn't like the towels that I bought first time. I went there again and exchange them.

I took several pictures on my way there. Right next to that Market, there is a huge park which is almost abandoned and neglected. I heard that some construction company tried to build complexes of apartment but they found dirty oil beneath the land. Maybe the oil is from garbage, I don't know. According to mom, that park is used for residents around that area to work out. A yogi comes every morning and teach people yoga. Government is planning to build a complex of finance establishment so I guess they should find another place to work out or forget about it.

These are the ones that I took in Market. I like how they put the benches along the road. I don't know what kind of people would make time to sit on, though.

Everyone takes pictures of flowers. Everyone that I know that purchased a digital camera started their 'career' as a amateur photographer with flowers. They started to look at the flowers around their hometown on the way to go to work, on their way back home, which they hadn't noticed before. I think flowers are best photogenic models for you. Stephen said, his favorite was the picture of flowers that I took last time.

These are artificial. What the hell, it's freezing out there. We don't get to see the real ones like them any more.

These little fish are real cute models, too. huh?

I realized how complicated this world we live in. There are electric wires everywhere running from houses to houses crossing the sky. Especially the place that I live is packed with people and buildings. There are houses on the mountains, too. I looked around and there are signboards that I don't understand what kind of business it would be.

When I was young, if somebody is in house, we didn't lock the door. We thought we lock the door only when nobody is home. But mom always warns me to lock the door no matter I'm home or not. Houses are so close each other, but we don't know who lives next door. It's not like the old time when I knew all the people around my town. Time that sometimes the guy from laundry store gave me penny and little kiss. Time that when I didn't have money the lady from supermarket let me pick up some candies and I payed her later.

The sky is broken into pieces through the building in front of door of my house.

I'm very used to this feeling

that I'm having nowadays.

Quiet things started to be louder,

noisy things started to be silent.

I don't open my mouth all day long

but you can hear me better.

Life is a proof of the moments

like your pictures.

............

2006-12-19T06:56:00.000-08:00

I hope that you have been thinking of me, too

the way that I have been thinking of you.

My hometown

2006-12-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

Few weeks ago, I changed my phone. I like this one much better. It's sliding type with many functions. I don't use all of functions but I use its camera so often. It's fun.

Here is an alley where my house is on the left side.

Today Mom called me to come to the hospital where she and her sister are. I took some pics on my way there.

This is that hospital. Name means in English "Happy hospital". There are many happy people who help my aunt and Mom. They are hard workers, considering how hard they work, it's amazing to see them smile all the time. We moved in here from the bigger hospital where there are lots of unfriendly nerses and doctors. But my aunt is in a very delicate stage of her illness, so she makes all the people around her so tired. The hospital wants her to leave. We're worried about that.

I saw some flowers still in bloom. It's so cold here and I wondered how these little creatures could ever survive.

I have a little funny memory about the subway station near my house. That's called "moonjeon station". When Stephen was here, he and I made an appointment to meet that station. I thought he didn't know well about all the Korean name of each station and I pronounce so strong and funny. "Mooooon Jeon". He was laughing. "I know that station." I was embarrased.

The church my family goes is located near that station and church voluntarily decorated interior of the station. It's Christmas season, and church people changed the decoration suitable to this time.

My several weaknesses

2006-12-17T23:01:00.000-08:00

I'm a weak person in terms of many aspects. The world that I'm living in is not operating in favor of weak people because it's too busy to wait any dumb left behind.

Although there are many who helped me out when I had problems but those helps didn't last forever. I need to help myself after all.

Why is it so hard for some or almost all of people to change themselves?

My boss, - the 'ex' boss - said, even if somebody would give her thousand million won, her business would still be same, in debts, not solving all the problems but some of them and those still remaining problems will make situation as same as before. Maybe she knows that even money doesn't change her.

My father had a drinking habit. He couldn't feel relaxed until he had some liquid before sleeping. My mom always prayed for that, my brothers and I tried to stop him, he himself decided to quit drinking, but that never happened.

One of my friend was so moved when I talked about these things. The things that people have inside them and let them somehow define themselves. The things that make people want to change so bad, but they could never change.

I discovered them through my life. I myself have them.

Since I quit the job of travel agency I have spare time to think about my life, sort things out. Today I'm having a relaxing day and I took a bath and I read books and

suddenly I feel so scared.

What if I can't make it happen to get myself in States? Seriously, this is my biggest weakness.

I worry things that don't happen yet. I think I want to prepare my mind in a case of worst scenario.That's very weak of me. Why can't I just be simple and try hard enough to feel at least satisfied about myself and not to look back and worry?

I have so precious things that I never want to loose. And I have so yearning goals that I want to achieve so bad. But sometimes I think "Maybe I should give up.". And I give myself these poor excuses like "I'm not that good at it.", "My life doesn't allow it happen.". But deep inside my heart, I know that I don't want to get hurt by others. I prefer to get hurt by myself. Because in that case, I can blame myself. And I know there's no much I can do without just blaming.

The translating test, the school, the TOEFL and GRE, and many things. If I keep this attitude lacking determination I'll face thousands of times of failure and still I would think "This is what that was meant to be.". I want to stop this languishing.

Never give up. Don't look back until you reach the end. When you see the result and that's positive, smile. If it's negative, cry. That's all.

As a matter of fact, I started this blog to keep my word. My boyfriend suggested me to blog because he wants to keep up with my opinion about the world, and life. I said I would. And It's been more than 3 months that he went back to his country and now I finally created one. If he wasn't my boyfriend but my normal dude, I wouldn't even remember about this.

Yes, another weakness. I sometimes don't keep promises.

I have a huge problem to say 'no' to people. I happen to make promises with people even when I can't make them. I don't want to be a person who you can't trust but I still can't solve this dilemma.

I'm home blogging, and I'm breaking the promise that I made with my boss that I'd go to work. Very bad, huh?

These things haven't changed since I was very young. As time goes by, these are growing up like my body and it's getting harder to get rid of.

They define me as well. People would think of me or remember me with those and say "She was such a person who....". I'm not saying I'm afraid of, I'm saying that's just fair enough.

Those things are stronger than my emotions, and they are more influential than my decisions.

With my weaknesses, I can never achieve the goals.With my weaknesses, I can never see him again.No matter how badly I want.

I'm scared.

I need to believe myself.

Help me out.

There are more that I pomised Stephen to do, writing SCRPIT, and buying a camera and learning photography. I'll keep my word. But I think I need to take time.

Maybe the SCRIPT and pictures that I'll work on will be on this blog,too. Who knows?

Keep an eye on this.

Thank you, bye~!