A stupid obsession from the poor heart

I'm here sitting at my desk again, trying to pretend that I was born in a 'English-speaking' country, to get rid of my 'Korean-speaking' nature, to foeget who I really am, to keep up writing about my life here in goddamn language, 'English'. No offense for English users, and excuse me for the language, but, come on, it's a never-ending story to learn it. Woops, I already showed my frustration the last time, why do I have to make it clear that I'm not fluent enough everytime I start blogging? That's so cheap of me to buy some pity from people. So, let's move on.

The school just started this week from Monday. I thought I would prepare for the classes beforehand by reading about subjects and trying to have some background knowledges about them in summer vacation. However, I did nothing. Other than some excuses like unpleasant weather of summer time, summer camps that I had to attend, I think it's mostly because I'm too stupid to realized how important things are when I can't see them right in front of me. And now I'm realizing with great frustration more and more every day how important it was to have preapared for those clases. "Damn, what was I thinking?"

I think I made a huge mistake by gaining a full scholarship last semester, 'cause my mom now thinks it's easy and even natural for me to get another one this semester. Wow, that is a big pressure!

I myself have lots of reason to get that scholarship so that I don't have to pay for the next semester which will be totally empty for me because by the end of this semester, I will have completed all the scores that I need for graduation and there's no point to go back to school especially when I can make money instead. But by the school regulations, even if I completed all the scores before I spend 4 years at school, I need to register for 8 semesters anyway if my total GPA isn't as high as 4. And to register means, you know, to pay the tuition. My GPA is only 3.94 (How human is that? I mean, 4 is crazy for human being like us). So, if I can't get another scholarship, I need to pay 2,700,000won for next semester but not for a single class.

And second reason is that almost all classes that I'm taking now are the ones that I took before. 2004, My mom paid the school only half of the tuition for the autumn semester and I have finished all the classes, and waiting for the good marks because I did my best and I'd done good jobs on midterm and final exams. But school erased all my records about that semester because, in according to what they said, my mom(or me, whoever) didn't pay the rest until the semster officially finished. What could I have ever done? I was in the school thinking all about study and I didn't even work and mom was supposed to pay the rest. But, who cares? They deleted my record anyway and didn't give us back the half that we paid. They said, I should have taken some process that I would have never known. And I was so angry at mom and the school, I decided never come back to the school and worked here and there for 2 years, and after that 2 years, I came back finally. (It could be another long story, but I'm not to talk about it here today.) And when I came back to school, I paid not only the tuition but also the extra 500,000 won for re-admission to the school. Anyway, so the classes that I'm talking this semester must be easier for me than others since I'm taking them twice, all over again.

However, there are plenty of reasons that I can't get the scholarship, too. Such as that we have students who just came from their study-abroad in Mexico for one year or two. They are definitely much more fluent that I am. Of course, they spent thier days and nights there and have got exposed by that language and must have picked up vocabularies about this and that. U-gh, how am I gonna compete them? If I can compete them and even beat them, then, that's something really wrong. That means there's no reason to spend a great deal of money on airplane tickets and accomodation and school and everything for study-abroad, but just sit down at the desk and study like HJ! They are supposed to be better than me and that's how it is!

Also, I almost forgot everything even before I learned a lot. So, other students who have kept their study without any break during their studying years have their advantages in that respect.

Woops, I'm not so worrying kind of person, but somehow I'm all obsessed about scholarship and fulfilling my mom's expectation. I don't think it's a good attitude for pursuing my goal, I mean scholarship should be the result, not the goal. Spanish should be the goal. Well, who am I kidding? Who cares what's the goal or result? It's 2,700,000 won we're talking about!

Why do we have to pay that much money for the college? The school doesn't even have a Spanish channel in the language labatory. They raise their tuition every year and why is that? We have some professors who think they can mock us by imposing us to buy their books for their classes instead of really useful, inteligent books for the subject. Last semester one professor finished the class 2 weeks earlier without even testing us and marked us the way he felt like.

And what about the workers in school? They think they can make fun of us by giving us false information. One of my classmates asked a question about her graduation and the guy in the service center said, she has to take 3 English classes for seniors to graduate which is totally ridiculous because there can't be a rule like that. I mean, she wants to graduate early, before becoming a senior, and school law permits someone with GPA of more than 4 to do that. Then, why does it have that law when one can't take those senior's classes because she is only a junior. I don't mean that she's not qulified for taking them, but her time table doesn't allow it. It's almost impossible. Furthermore, the classes for senoirs are really not as important as juniors because some seniors are expected to leave the school earlier because they get a job before graduation and school has to accept it. And some student have major and minor, then they can't take all the seniors' classes. The seniors' calsses are only for pathetic students like me who doesn't even have a minor so we need to take more major classes. So, it was all contadictory. She asked other workers in the school and all the others said that they have never heard of such a rule. Next day, she came and asked again, and he said, this time, that she needed to take 2 of senior's classes. What? 2? not 3? what about what he just said yesterday? She asked why he said something different from yesterday and he was so angry at her and yelled at her like this "Why can't you just thank me for reducing your pressure? Do you want me to give you a same answer? OK, take 3, otherwise, you can't graduate!!!" How random he is and he is the most responsible one of the service center of our schol, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, all I'm saying is there's no worth to pay 2,700,000won for this school. So, I would love to get the scholarship. Whouldn't it be understandable? Or, am I too negative?

Alright, let's be honest and humble.

I'm so poor and I really need that money.

Now, it's much more understandable, isn't it?

Please, help me, God!!!!!